Helping Kids with Learning Problems: 11 steps to providing a supportive emotional environment

Eleven Steps to Providing a Supportive Emotional Environment

from Overcoming Underachieving (P.126-7) by Dr. Sam Goldstein and Dr. Nancy Mather published  1998 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

1. Try to see the world through the eyes of your child. All is not always as it appears to you. Make an effort to understand how your child thinks, feels, and then behaves. You must be able to see the world from your child’s perspectives — a task that will take time, patience, persistence and effort on your part.

2. Be reliable and available. When possible, schedule private time with your child each day.

3. Continue to offer love, safety and security, regardless of any problems. Make certain you express your care and concern even when your child disagrees with you.

4. Reinforce effort, even if he or she is not successful. Provide lots of love — hugs, kisses and pats on the back.

5. Consistently foster self-esteem. School success is not a matter of your child’s succeeding at all costs; instead, feeling good about successes is the goal. Do not spend so much time on academic performance that your neglect other strengths and talents; instead, help to find activities that promote those natural talents.

6. Build responsibility. Allow your child the opportunity to do things independently and to learn from experience, while keeping in mind that, for some children, responsible behavior develops in very small steps.

7. Start with the end in mind, and set goals that can be accomplished. Whether the goal is developing math, reading, or behavioral skills, know where you want to go and review this information with your child. Be specific about what “behaving better” entails, and set small, attainable objectives along the way.

8. Use a problem-solving model. It is critically important that you offer your child a good example of how to deal with life’s problems day in and day out. Demonstrate that you believe failure is something to learn from and that an understanding of today’s failure can lay the foundation for tomorrow’s successes.

9. Make certain that there is a balance in your child’s life. Children with school problems often spend an inordinate amount of time completing schoolwork, and they end up feeling that they do little beyond trying to deliver a satisfactory finished product in an area that doesn’t matter to them. They often don’t spend time in activities they enjoy. When after-school time is limited, make sure that your child spends some of it in activities that are enjoyable and reinforcing.

10. Take care of your relationship with your child. Among the best predictors of children’s success in adult life is the quality of the relationship they have with their parents — independent of school success or failure. Your relationship with your child may become strained becasue of repeated problems, so take extra time to keep the scales balanced and the overall relationship positive. No matter how things are going at school, find a way to spend enjoyable, nonstressful time with your child at least a number of times each week. It doesn’t matter whether you play cards, go out for pizza, or toss a ball back and forth — what’s important is having a regular activity that is enjoyable for both of you.

11. Remember that your goal is to be a safety net, not a savior. Not surprisingly, children with school difficulties often seek gratification in other areas. That’s why it’s so important for you to provide structure, support and successful experiences in the home, which your child can then transfer to mastery of the world outside. You must walk a fine line of encouraging your child, supporting his or her endeavors, and acting as a safety net rather than a keeper.

Advice for Parents with Kids who have Learning Problems

 

 

From Overcoming underachieving: An Action Guide to Helping Your child to succeed in School by Dr. Sam Goldstein and Dr. Nancy Mather, published 1998 by John Wiley & Sons Inc, USA

 

Understanding Learning and Learning Problems P.7

 

The learning problems of children usually cannot be resolved quickly or cured with a “magic potion”. Instead, they are often chronic and require regular management. It’s a parent’s job to be the manager and, eventually, to help the child to learn to self-manage the problem. To be effective at this job, however, parents must first understand how children learn. What skills are required for school success? How do strengths and weaknesses in particular skills affect a child’s mastery of particular subjects?….

 

If Your child is a chip off the old Block P. 59

 

…many of the same issues affected your own childhood and are even present in your adult life today. This would not be surprising; problems with inattention and impulsivity are often hereditary. If you continue to experience these types of problems as an adult, getting help for yourself is a critical step in helping your child. Long-term studies clearly show that parents’ availability, competence, and persistence are key factors in predicting good life outcomes for their children. By taking care of your problems, you will be easing your child’s problems….

 

Self-Esteem and You, the Parent P. 106

 

As we have suggested, your own self-esteem is likely to have a significant impact on how you cope with and respond to your child’s problems. The quality of these interactions, in turn, will significantly impact your child’s self-esteem.

 

There are two important rules for every parent: The “Three C” rule and the “Three P” rule.

 

The Three C rule stresses commitment, challenges and control. Recognize the importance of what you do as a parent, and give yourself credit for remaining committed – sticking with your role even in the face of struggles. Learn to view difficult situations as challenges, or opportunities to learn, rather than as stresses to avoid. Finally, recognize what you can change and what you can’t, and keep focus on what you have control over rather than on what you do not.

 

The Three P rule is simple: Be proud of your child despite the struggle, and convey your belief in him or her. Be patient. Recognize that although it may take your child longer to master a task, time and practice will bring success. And be persistent: develop a set of goals, and keep focusing on accomplishing these goals and on helping others, including your child’s teachers, to help your child meet these goals.

 

Teach these rules to your child. Be committed, learning to recognize difficult situations as challenges, and recognizing that in every situation each of us has some control will help your child build, nurture, and foster self-esteem. It will protect against being wounded by unthinking adults and other children. Likewise, learning to be proud, patient and persistent will develop extra resources for facing unexpected life events….

 

Being a “Fair” Parent P. 138

 

Children who have problems with learning require a great amount of time, especially from parents. If you have several children, don’t feel quilty about treating them differently, according to their needs…. Each child needs something different from the family environment. Children with attentional and behavioral difficulties require exceptional parents because parenting these children is more demanding and challenging than parent children who do not have these problems. The fairest thing that you can do as a parent is: respond to and attempt to meet the individual needs of your children. When children grow up in warm, supportive homes and participate in classrooms where expectations are realistic, they are far less likely to develop other weaknesses in the foundational blocks of emotions and self-esteem.

 

Being a conscientious parent is not an easy job. Remember to pat yourself on the back occasionally, and keep your sense of humor. You and your child will have your share of bad as well as good days, but be assured that your patience, persistence, and efforts will pay off….

Faith

Faith

 

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see….(Hebrews 11 v1)

 

…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God…. (Hebrew 12 v 1-2.)

 

Endure hardship as discipline…. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. (Hebrew 12 v 7, v 11-13)

 

The New Testament

Fate, not God, sends us the problem

“Fate, not God, sends us the problem. When we try to deal with it, we find out that we are not strong. We are weak; we get tired; we get angry, overwhelmed. We begin to wonder how we will ever make it through all the years. But when we reach the limits of our own strength and courage, something unexpected happens. We find reinforcement coming from a source outside of ourselves. And in the knowledge that we are not alone, that God is on our side, we manage to go on….”

 

“Like Jacob in the scary situation, prayed for help, and found out that you were a lot stronger, and a lot better able to handle it, than you ever would have thought you were. In your desperation, you opened your heart in prayer, and what happened? You didn’t get a miracle to avert a tragedy. But you discovered people around you, and God beside you, and strength within you to help you survive the tragedy. I offer that as an example of a prayer being answered.”

 

When Bad Things Happened to Good People

Harold S. Kushner

Published by Quill 2001

All is not quiet on home turf

All is not quiet on home turf. CH continues to hate doing HW. After school activities kept him busy on most days until at least 5:30pm. He winds down with reading Doraemen and Old Master Q comics. He also enjoys eating slowing, for about an hour. By the time he starts working, it is normally 8pm. As he works with snail’s pace, he can’t finish until 10 pm even with some assistance and constant companionship. I have gotten used to this kind of work, but occasional feel very tired and sick of going through the mill. 3K tries to help from time to time when he finishes eating by 9:30pm.

 

Still, God has sent “angels” to help. Just saw one of them at school: Mr. C, education psychologist. He was able to observe CH in class, did post-test error analyses with him to see what tripped him, and spoken with him directly about school, teachers and students. The school has been going out of its way to help us, with study skills class, language therapy session and moderating the tests and dictations. I remind myself to be thankful and treasure what I have in hand.

 

But 3K’s been thinking about “future” and “what ifs”. And he thinks moving CH out of the local system into the international stream should be the ultimate goal. Yes, but how? We have already tried 3 earlier this year but got rejected because of insufficient language fluency. Given his dyslexia, he can’t fluently express himself even in his mother tongue. And it takes so long for him to warm up to new environments and people. It has taken at least half a year before he remembers names of his current classmates. Starting all over in a new class, new school with new rules could be too challenging? In a small class in a real international school — with half of them girls, and quite a number of Caucasian boys – how many potential friends can he make (cultural proximity and language matters)?

 

Mr. C’s quick feedback is that a local school with less academic demands may suit CH currently. That is not the reality 3K would like to see.

 

So, we have reached Catch-22. The longer you stay, the less chance of getting out. And we can never get out of this slave-driving system unless you take a first step. But who wants to spend extra time/efforts on a special need child? Sadly, education is more often then not just a façade, an enterprise, and a system with its own purposes to glorify. You are lucky to be speaking to someone who doesn’t know you before and is genuinely trying to looking after your interest and not your money.

 

With the current financial turmoil, chances are better. That means I have to start this grueling form-filling, information-seeking, “test-prepping” process all over again. Tell me about it, I had gone through it with K last year: a total of 6. She was good enough to get 2 offers, 2 on reserve and 2 refusals. It could quite devastating to be rejected by all, and I can imagine this scenario for CH.

 

It will be a busy day today. K has two appointments: first to finish off her  assessment at Mrs S and dental.

 

Just hope that there will not be too much homework for CH so that I can attend cub scout leaders’ meeting as I have promised.

 

College app process and pressure to keep up the grades are continuing for L. Poor dear, she looks almost like a panda. But Ms P is such an angel to her, keeping watch, and calling us after a long day of meeting just to re-assure us.

 

I am grateful for myself, my children, husband, family and my life as they are. Grateful for Jesus who saved me!

 

It’s such a gorgeous day! Cheers!

If I had My Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again

 

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I’d finger-paint more and point the finger less.

 

I’d do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

 

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

 

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I’d run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

 

I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

 

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

 

By Diane Loomans

 

http://www.dianaloomans.com/child.htm

 

 

Whitney Houston – The Greatest Love of All

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1OoM3N7mfc

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

不要殺雞取卵

不要殺雞取卵   

 

    是有雞先 , 還是有蛋先 , 這老掉牙的問題小學生也懂 . 那麼是有好的學習動機與習慣先 ? 還是有好成績先 ? 那當然是前者是因 , 後者為果 .

 

        但細心想想 , 在今天香港這考試主導 , 分數至上的學習模式中 , 即使閣下的子女是飽覽群書 , 學富五車 , 才藝雙全 , 假如欠缺操練 , 恐怕也難以取得好分數 , 好成績 , 難以得到名列前茅那份成功感及被人認同感 .

       

        昨天 , 第一眼看到兒子英語測試卷的成績 : 53 , 自己也直覺地不高興 , 不期然有點挫敗感 ; 幸好 , 身經百戰的我沒有被這不理性的感覺主導自己的思想 , 反而看得出兒子已盡了他的努力 . 我鼓勵兒子 , 我們雖然已盡力 , 但分數並不高 , 下次再接再勵吧 ! 孩子也如釋重負 , 開開心心的去玩 .

       

       今早靜下來再看看試卷 , 果真厲害 , 35分鐘要答三部份14題長答題 , 每題分半鐘也要21分鐘才完成 , 餘下就只有14分鐘即840秒回答44題短答題 , 即19秒答一題 . 所以說 , 在這制度下, 無論孩子是如何聰明伶俐 , 要取得高分數就要勤加操練 .

 

        然而 , 孩子與父母的生活是如何忙碌及疲累 , 大家都心裡有數 . 做不完的功課 , 練琴 , 練樂器 , 還加上多不勝數的課外活動 , 連休息的時間 , 一家人相聚的時間也欠缺 .

 

        所以 , 講到底 , 這是一個經濟學的入門問題 — 資源不夠就必須抉擇 . 時間是人最寶貴的資源 , 我會選擇平衡一點的生活 . 溫習是必須的 , 而且要持久作戰 , 持之以恆 , 並盡量令溫習成為有興趣的學習而並非死記爛背 ; 但我更珍惜孩子的愉快童年 , 決心要讓他日後有美好的回憶 , 即使成績平平 , 我認為也是值得的 .

 

        我情願孩子保留學習的興趣 , 愛閱讀 , 愛運動 , 愛研究事物 , 愛與朋友玩耍 , 也不願見他整天為分數而神經兮兮 . 謹以此與朋友及同學家長共勉之 , 千萬不要殺雞取卵 , 破壞親子關係 , 記住留得青山在 , 那怕沒柴燒 ! 孩子要走的路還有很長呢 !

 

        正是 :  寧願我兒愚且魯 , 開心成長到百年 !

 

 

 

                                                                                 

Enjoy your Children

 Children grow up so quickly. Believe me. I have a 16-year-old, who is going to college next year.

Time has really flied. So, treasure all the good times and bad times.

 

Here’s a e-card, and an article on how better to enjoy your children.

 

Hope your’ll find it useful.

 

http://www.geocities.com/expressions_by_ecard/ENJOYYOURCHILDREN.html 

 

http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/article.cfm/enjoy_your_children

 

 

 

Here’s a song for you too: Whatever will be will be by Doris Day:

 

 

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=i7jG91sPvf0

 

 

Enjoy the turbulent sea

Sailed through another “storm”.

Counsellor N gave a good analogy yesterday. As long as the fundamentals are good, do not be afraid even if there are waves.

Yes, try even to enjoy the rocking of the boat of life in the turbulent sea. And have faith that things are not as bad as they seems.

CH came back with 75 for his English Comprehension tests. He was allowed 10 more minutes in a room upstairs due to his dyslexia. Glad to see that he is improving.

Pressure on Y is easing a bit now that the quarter is coming to an end. She will be off for another 3.5 hr hiking in preparation for her trip to Huangshan. She scratched her calves and left ankle badly when she jumped off the accelerating bike at the school gym yesterday. Poor thing. She struggled a bit on the story/play on the digestive system required for Science. Not an easy task. And she succumbed to sleepiness around mid-night.

Driver sent Y and L, and Y rushed her story in the mini-van, calling Dad to seek information on how the colon tackle the stuff which pass through it. C and I hailed a taxi to go to school. I coached him on exam psychology — how to control anxiety at the right level to obtain optimum performance. This I learned when I accompanied G to see Dr. C recently. It’s amazing indeed how you gain more than you give when you try to help someone!!!

Met WHF’s mom at school gate. Understand the pressure she and WHF are under, as much as CH & I. It is kind of comforting to know that the problem is shared by a lot of classmates. What does this tell us? With some kind of sociological imagination (thanks to C Wright Mills), we should perhaps try to tackle our problems at the school or even societal level. Grand vision, and may God help us!!!

Gotta assist L with her college app. ED is closing in nine days. Essays have to be re-written and written. Forms to be filled out and facts checked. Not sure how much I can help. But still grateful for being able to accompany her in all these. Our relationship is coming out very strong. Thank God.

Need to lock myself up at home again, and declined invitation to lunches (this time with M from Toronto) for a third time this week. Really need to conserve energy for the kids. I find myself losing calm if I go out too much.

3K will set out for a short sailing trip. He just mentioned that he put my name as his next-of-kin for yacht club. Of course. Have a safe trip!

Here’s a hymn which I love. Hope you’ll enjoy it too.

As the deer

http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=UZv3jzOTE70

Parents and children

  

Parents and children

 

The relationship between a parent and a child is the most complicated one a person will ever have, even more than between wife and husband…..

 

Why the anger? Because we need each other so much and we are so disappointed when the other cannot meet those needs. Because children want their parents to protect them from harm, and parents can’t always protect them….

 

Children need parents who will let them grow up to be themselves, but parents often have personal agendas they try to impose on their children….

 

At best, children represent a fresh start, an opportunity to begin again with the benefit of the experience of previous generations but without the burden of the scars and mistakes.

 

This pattern of expecting children to validate one’s worth as a parent can become most destructive when people find themselves parents of a handicapped or retarded child….Such children need a lot of love and respond beautifully to love. They can be happy, outgoing and affectionate. What they can’t be is perfect…. I have seen too many parents angry at children for being born handicapped or intellectually limited, because that shattered the parent’s misplaced dreams.

 

I confess that I have never liked or understood the story in Chapter 22 of the Book of Genesis, where God commands Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, born to him after many years of childlessness, and then intervenes to stop it at the last moment. I never liked the way it portrayed Abraham, so ready to obey it.

 

But some years ago, I read an article by a physician suggesting that Issac may have been a retarded child. He shares many of the traits of the retarded. He was born to older parents. He periodically gets into trouble by not understanding the consequences of his actions……maybe that is why Abraham thought he heard the voice of God telling him to slay his son, as many societies in the ancient world did to imperfect children. And God’s intervening would then represent His proclaiming to Abraham that even such a child is fashioned in God’s image, that even such a life is holy, that a child is born to grow to be himself, and not to be used to fill in the blank spaces in a parent’s ego…..

 

There are two things wrong with expecting your children to give your life meaning by excelling. The first is that it is a very unreliable way of achieving satisfaction…. But the real problem with this approach is that it asks more of a young child than is reasonable. It gives children more power over us than is healthy for them. A child has enough to do just growing up to be herself…

 

The amount of harm a child can do to a parent is limited…. But parents can harm their children much more seriously. We harm them not only with physical and emotional violence. We harm them with unrealistic expectations…. And we harm them by not modeling an adult lifestyle for them, an approach that includes a willingness to make and admit mistakes and learn from them rather than always insisting that we are right. Children need to admire their parents. And one of the things we should teach our children to admire about us is our willingness to say, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong about that,” “I don’t know”

 

If we try to teach our children to see us as perfect, they will be terribly disappointed when our imperfections emerge, as they inevitably do. But if we teach them to see us as people trying to grow by learning from our mistakes, then we make it easier for them to see their own mistakes and failures as lessons to be learned from, rather than badges of shame and incompetence….

 

I have often suspected that one of the reasons children of great men grow up to be nonentities is not just that their parents neglected them in the pursuit of greatness, but because a great man doesn’t leave his children much room to surpass him. In recent years, I have heard many grown children of successful businessmen tell me,” I will probably never make as much money as my father made. I will probably not raise my family in as nice a house as I grew up in. But I’ll have my head on straight. I won’t be a slave ot business. I won’t bring work home on weekends. I’ll have a better sense of what’s really important than my parents had.” These young people, feeling unable to compete with their parents in terms of material success, have redefined success in the one way that lets them feel “better than my father”.

 

If we, at great effort, maintain a posture of perfection and if our children believe and admires us (because they want to believe and admire us), we leave them little room to surpass us and little hopes of doing so. But if we leave them instead a sense of our imperfect humanity and an unfinished agenda (as King David left it for his son Solomon to build the Temple, thereby achieving something his immensely successful father could never do), then instead of casting a shadow over them and stunting their growth, we leave them a space in which they can grow and flourish.

 

 

From Chapter 4 Fathers and Sons, Mothers and Daughters

How Good Do We Have to Be?

by Harold S Kusher

Back Bay Books, Little Brown and Co 1996